Um....well it has been a LONG time....don't know how many of you are still out there. I am in such a different place in my life now. I need to revamp tis blog obviously as my art and MYSELF have totally evolved, just one problem....not sure how to do that!!!! Any helpful technical suggestions are welcome and would be very appreciated. More to come!!! Help me make a new banner, totally lost on that front!!!!!

a new year

Wow, even in the moment when time passes so slowly, you look back and realize another year has passed......OMG. i have so neglected my blog, i know. things have changed and changed again, and again, and yet again. I am blessed i know this in my heart, still hard to move forward sometimes evwen knowing that.
My sister is still a constant force in my life, always there with a kind and solid shoulder for me. My joy is being able to see my nieces and godson everyday. They fill me wiht joy. My niece Kaitlyn, who will be 17 next month (OMG) got me Katy Perry tickets for my birthday this year and we are going together....she is the greatest kid i know. Love her to pieces. Ok i'm rambling now, lol...gonna go for now, just wanted to check in....if anyone is still reading that is!!! Bye for now.

Life is Good

Life is good. I am blessed with a new beginning, new passion for talents i have put away for too long now, and of course my wonderful family and friends. Life is definetley good. Amen!

18 years ago..........

18 years ago today i was 20 years old and madly in love with a wonderful young man. We had an amazing wedding day, it was wonderful knowing that that night we would be free to go home to OUR home and just stay with each other forever. Sometimes forever isnt as long as you think. Sometimes you have to let go even though you want to hold on and on and on. Seperation for 2 years has gone by quickly in hindsight but feels like years taken off of my life. Moving on time is here, has been for a while in little baby steps but the time is now. I wish you all the peace love and joy you couldnt have with me. I set you free. My heart is my own now. Bear will never be the same, but she won't be sad for much longer that its over, just be blessed and thankful you happened. Always.

Waking

Wow what a summer so far. Hectic, crazy, scary, depressing, exciting, wonderful and freeing. So many things have happened and things are still evolving everyday. Trying to push forward while having the past attatched to your ankles is hard work....but even if we drag ourselves an inch at a time, it's better than staying stuck isn't it? I move forward then get stuck for a few days at a time...gotta lose those demons that keep following me around, tell them to beat it and not come back. But it's really not their fault if i keep opening the door when they knock, now is it?
I was just in Italy for 10 days. It was a dream trip for me, but unfortunately the little devils hopped into my suitcase when i wasnt looking. I did a good job of losing them for most of the trip, but towards the end of my amazing, breathtaking, fun trip there they were, just waiting in the aiport. I didnt want to come back here. I have actually played with the idea of moving to Italy....Sicily actually. I have family there and could lead a very quiet peaceful life in a small small town. I could paint and write and read to my hearts content. Write letters to my friends back here and just worry about me. Just one problem with that idea....i would miss my family too much. That family consists of this amazing woman and her mom, husband and kids who took me in like one of their own. We live so close now and that makes me feel safe and protected and loved...unconditionally. I dont think i can give that up right now. Maybe not ever.
When i look back on my trip, and the return from it a lot is crystal clear. I didn't want to return here to the sometimes chaotic and messy thing called my life. The anxiety about those pesky loose ends came crashing down on me...shaking off the dust now and just getting on with it.

The bend in the road.......

The bend in the road is not the end of the road....unless you refuse to take the turn.- Anon.

I will continue to make mistake after mistake...no doubt about that. But i am learning from each and every one, that is the difference. I shut my eyes so i could stay blind for so long, now i want to see.....see it all. The good, the bad, the painful. Life goes on. Pain and hurt diminish over time. I am surrounded by love every single day, blessed with a family that has made me one of their own, i owe them so much and love them all more than words can say. I am here, i am finally living instead of just existing. I am feeling, instead of just numbing. I have dreams and goals. I can do anything i set my mind to, even when i dont believe it! Fake it till ya make it, lol....So, my journey has taken turns i never thought possible, never fathomed that this would have been my life, but there is a blessing in every storm...so i have my raincoat ready, but will keep looking for the sun.

Today is the best present

Remember the good times, let go of the bad....the only thing that is constant is change. You can't go back in time, but you can strive to make your today the best present to yourself. Love, forgive, believe, dream. Always and forever i will consider myself So Blessed.

Locks of Love....XoXoXo

This is my niece Kristen. She donates her hair to Locks of Love, i think this is her third time! It makes me so proud, she doesn't even flinch about it, just knows that she is doing something good for someone else. She has a huge heart and it shows in everything she does....love you Kristen......xoxoxo

Boo

This is Boo, my little love muffin. I was hesitant about taking in a dog because it hasn't worked out well in the past, but i must say this little guy has brought me so much joy in the last few days i cant imagine life without him now. He loves to snuggle and go for walks ( which is good for my ever expanding butt, lol) and he is happy to just lay around with me and have me pet him! Thats the kind of doggie i always wanted...love you boo boo!!!!

Inspired Life

Barbara Esp was one of the most genuine loving people i have ever known. She passed away on Thursday February 18,2010. I will miss her greatly. She lived a life full of joy, living each day to the fullest and not taking one second for granted. She danced, traveled and spread love and cheer wherever she went. As our friend Chad said in his eulogy, she is someone who made you want to be a better person, to enjoy things more. She also gave us a great gift in her and Ed's daughters. Jacki and Michelle are two of my closest friends, always there no matter what the situation, open armed with love and support, free of judgement. I am blessed to have them in my life and count them among my family. Barbara will be greatly missed, but will never be absent, her spirit is here with us everyday in so many ways...a heart shaped rock, in Jacki's smile, Michelle's face, Jackson's laugh....always here in our hearts.

Bitter and Sweet of 2009

There have been so many many changes this past year. As i have said in previous posts it was probably the worst year of my life. And yet.....so many joyous days and memories sprinkled in between. I found out who my friends and family truly truly are....i am becoming the person i want to be, on my own and yet with a little help from those that know me and love me unconditionally. Some days are still incredibly difficult, scars remain, pieces of myself still lie scattered about but slowly i am coming together again. While the new year ahead holds great promise and the excitement and some fear of what is unknown, i am ready. For all of it. Making it through the past year, i know now that i can make it through anything. It helps to have loved ones on my side. There is sadness that still remains over those i have lost, but i know there is purpose and a lesson in that for me, one that i will never ever forget. I can be judged only by my Creator, no one else has that power. I have so many times given my power over to others by my actions, my dependency, my need to be accepted....i dont need that outside validation anymore. If i dont give it to myself it really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

2009 held so much.....

1. great concerts...matt nathanson and erin mccarley, natasha bedingfield, joshua radin (although i love him more in my ipod)

2. packing up a home by myself, leaving it behind, along with a life that i never thought would end...

3. Starting over, losing friends that were like family, but in the end that was a good thing....

4. Learning about myself, finding me....still seeking a bit, but getting there little by little

5. Working, learning to love something i had never done before, becoming confident in my capabilities

6. Meeting new people who have been a wonderful support system through that work.

7. Reconnecting with old friends who were never forgotten, glad to see some of them still are the genuine sweet people i remember.

8. Learning to deal with dissappointment in a more productive way....being more in control.

9....so much more....bitter and sweet ......but grateful. There is a lesson in every little thing. I am so blessed and i will never forget that again.

I have to take a class starting right after Christmas which was not in the plans and has thrown me for a loop but i will do it....bring it on, lol.

This new year for me is about recovering physically from a very intensive sugery at the end of January, which although will take quite some time, will pass as does everything else. Then it will be time for (hopefully) interviews and more entrance exams and finding out what program i will be starting in 2010, God willing i get into one. If not ,then i will try again next year. I also want to concentrate on making time for my artwork again. I miss my paints and brushes and letting thoughts spill out in color...i must get back to that as soon as i physically am able to. A trip is on my mind as well. I want to go to Italy, to visit family, but even more so to see Tuscany. It holds a lot of meaning for me...and though i hope to have a companion for the trip, i will go alone if i must...which would be totally frightening and insane but i want it bad enough to do it.

So i leave you with some pictures, memories of this past year, both sweet and sad.....but all part of me. I wish you all a very Happy Christmas , have forgiveness and hope in your hearts, love one another and be grateful for all you have. Hugs, Namaste.

GOODBYE 2009.......letting you go and moving on.......ciao.

Thoughts Spilling.........

This is a painting i did on a particularly difficult night, staying in a wonderful little B&B upstate. Sitting in a room by myself (unless of course you count Joshua Radin on the iPod there with me) confronting all the things that were and still are going on....thoughts spilling out around this girl who just can't open her eyes up just yet....still waiting...still searching...still seeking for the purpose as to why she is where she is.......
Still many changes going on. I finally moved...bittersweet. But to look on the positive side, it's a new beginning. Still working on my art room, it is a complete and utter mess, as is my computer room, but will have them both sorted out by the time i have my housewarming party (fingers crossed). Life has been pretty topsy turvy this year...both some of my worst days ever in my existence, mingled with some of my best days ever. Reconnecting with old friends, finding out who my true ones are and making the changes i need to make in order to be the best person i can be...my true authentic self is emerging slowly. Very slowly....but patience was never one of my strong points. Missing all my old blog friends as well...hope to hear from you soon......and looking forward to what's been going on in your world.
Hugs. Love. Namaste.