Saturday, August 28, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
18 years ago today i was 20 years old and madly in love with a wonderful young man. We had an amazing wedding day, it was wonderful knowing that that night we would be free to go home to OUR home and just stay with each other forever. Sometimes forever isnt as long as you think. Sometimes you have to let go even though you want to hold on and on and on. Seperation for 2 years has gone by quickly in hindsight but feels like years taken off of my life. Moving on time is here, has been for a while in little baby steps but the time is now. I wish you all the peace love and joy you couldnt have with me. I set you free. My heart is my own now. Bear will never be the same, but she won't be sad for much longer that its over, just be blessed and thankful you happened. Always.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wow what a summer so far. Hectic, crazy, scary, depressing, exciting, wonderful and freeing. So many things have happened and things are still evolving everyday. Trying to push forward while having the past attatched to your ankles is hard work....but even if we drag ourselves an inch at a time, it's better than staying stuck isn't it? I move forward then get stuck for a few days at a time...gotta lose those demons that keep following me around, tell them to beat it and not come back. But it's really not their fault if i keep opening the door when they knock, now is it?
I was just in Italy for 10 days. It was a dream trip for me, but unfortunately the little devils hopped into my suitcase when i wasnt looking. I did a good job of losing them for most of the trip, but towards the end of my amazing, breathtaking, fun trip there they were, just waiting in the aiport. I didnt want to come back here. I have actually played with the idea of moving to Italy....Sicily actually. I have family there and could lead a very quiet peaceful life in a small small town. I could paint and write and read to my hearts content. Write letters to my friends back here and just worry about me. Just one problem with that idea....i would miss my family too much. That family consists of this amazing woman and her mom, husband and kids who took me in like one of their own. We live so close now and that makes me feel safe and protected and loved...unconditionally. I dont think i can give that up right now. Maybe not ever.
When i look back on my trip, and the return from it a lot is crystal clear. I didn't want to return here to the sometimes chaotic and messy thing called my life. The anxiety about those pesky loose ends came crashing down on me...shaking off the dust now and just getting on with it.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The bend in the road is not the end of the road....unless you refuse to take the turn.- Anon.
I will continue to make mistake after mistake...no doubt about that. But i am learning from each and every one, that is the difference. I shut my eyes so i could stay blind for so long, now i want to see.....see it all. The good, the bad, the painful. Life goes on. Pain and hurt diminish over time. I am surrounded by love every single day, blessed with a family that has made me one of their own, i owe them so much and love them all more than words can say. I am here, i am finally living instead of just existing. I am feeling, instead of just numbing. I have dreams and goals. I can do anything i set my mind to, even when i dont believe it! Fake it till ya make it, lol....So, my journey has taken turns i never thought possible, never fathomed that this would have been my life, but there is a blessing in every storm...so i have my raincoat ready, but will keep looking for the sun.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Remember the good times, let go of the bad....the only thing that is constant is change. You can't go back in time, but you can strive to make your today the best present to yourself. Love, forgive, believe, dream. Always and forever i will consider myself So Blessed.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
This is my niece Kristen. She donates her hair to Locks of Love, i think this is her third time! It makes me so proud, she doesn't even flinch about it, just knows that she is doing something good for someone else. She has a huge heart and it shows in everything she does....love you Kristen......xoxoxo
Sunday, April 4, 2010
This is Boo, my little love muffin. I was hesitant about taking in a dog because it hasn't worked out well in the past, but i must say this little guy has brought me so much joy in the last few days i cant imagine life without him now. He loves to snuggle and go for walks ( which is good for my ever expanding butt, lol) and he is happy to just lay around with me and have me pet him! Thats the kind of doggie i always wanted...love you boo boo!!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Barbara Esp was one of the most genuine loving people i have ever known. She passed away on Thursday February 18,2010. I will miss her greatly. She lived a life full of joy, living each day to the fullest and not taking one second for granted. She danced, traveled and spread love and cheer wherever she went. As our friend Chad said in his eulogy, she is someone who made you want to be a better person, to enjoy things more. She also gave us a great gift in her and Ed's daughters. Jacki and Michelle are two of my closest friends, always there no matter what the situation, open armed with love and support, free of judgement. I am blessed to have them in my life and count them among my family. Barbara will be greatly missed, but will never be absent, her spirit is here with us everyday in so many ways...a heart shaped rock, in Jacki's smile, Michelle's face, Jackson's laugh....always here in our hearts.