Monday, December 21, 2009

Bitter and Sweet of 2009

There have been so many many changes this past year. As i have said in previous posts it was probably the worst year of my life. And many joyous days and memories sprinkled in between. I found out who my friends and family truly truly are....i am becoming the person i want to be, on my own and yet with a little help from those that know me and love me unconditionally. Some days are still incredibly difficult, scars remain, pieces of myself still lie scattered about but slowly i am coming together again. While the new year ahead holds great promise and the excitement and some fear of what is unknown, i am ready. For all of it. Making it through the past year, i know now that i can make it through anything. It helps to have loved ones on my side. There is sadness that still remains over those i have lost, but i know there is purpose and a lesson in that for me, one that i will never ever forget. I can be judged only by my Creator, no one else has that power. I have so many times given my power over to others by my actions, my dependency, my need to be accepted....i dont need that outside validation anymore. If i dont give it to myself it really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

2009 held so much.....

1. great concerts...matt nathanson and erin mccarley, natasha bedingfield, joshua radin (although i love him more in my ipod)

2. packing up a home by myself, leaving it behind, along with a life that i never thought would end...

3. Starting over, losing friends that were like family, but in the end that was a good thing....

4. Learning about myself, finding me....still seeking a bit, but getting there little by little

5. Working, learning to love something i had never done before, becoming confident in my capabilities

6. Meeting new people who have been a wonderful support system through that work.

7. Reconnecting with old friends who were never forgotten, glad to see some of them still are the genuine sweet people i remember.

8. Learning to deal with dissappointment in a more productive way....being more in control. much more....bitter and sweet ......but grateful. There is a lesson in every little thing. I am so blessed and i will never forget that again.

I have to take a class starting right after Christmas which was not in the plans and has thrown me for a loop but i will do it....bring it on, lol.

This new year for me is about recovering physically from a very intensive sugery at the end of January, which although will take quite some time, will pass as does everything else. Then it will be time for (hopefully) interviews and more entrance exams and finding out what program i will be starting in 2010, God willing i get into one. If not ,then i will try again next year. I also want to concentrate on making time for my artwork again. I miss my paints and brushes and letting thoughts spill out in color...i must get back to that as soon as i physically am able to. A trip is on my mind as well. I want to go to Italy, to visit family, but even more so to see Tuscany. It holds a lot of meaning for me...and though i hope to have a companion for the trip, i will go alone if i must...which would be totally frightening and insane but i want it bad enough to do it.

So i leave you with some pictures, memories of this past year, both sweet and sad.....but all part of me. I wish you all a very Happy Christmas , have forgiveness and hope in your hearts, love one another and be grateful for all you have. Hugs, Namaste.

GOODBYE 2009.......letting you go and moving on.......ciao.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thoughts Spilling.........

This is a painting i did on a particularly difficult night, staying in a wonderful little B&B upstate. Sitting in a room by myself (unless of course you count Joshua Radin on the iPod there with me) confronting all the things that were and still are going on....thoughts spilling out around this girl who just can't open her eyes up just yet....still waiting...still searching...still seeking for the purpose as to why she is where she is.......
Still many changes going on. I finally moved...bittersweet. But to look on the positive side, it's a new beginning. Still working on my art room, it is a complete and utter mess, as is my computer room, but will have them both sorted out by the time i have my housewarming party (fingers crossed). Life has been pretty topsy turvy this year...both some of my worst days ever in my existence, mingled with some of my best days ever. Reconnecting with old friends, finding out who my true ones are and making the changes i need to make in order to be the best person i can true authentic self is emerging slowly. Very slowly....but patience was never one of my strong points. Missing all my old blog friends as well...hope to hear from you soon......and looking forward to what's been going on in your world.
Hugs. Love. Namaste.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thank you Misty Mawn

what the artist taught me seeps into all your crevices
like a low, soft river
or crashed through your blood
like whitewater.

art is alive,
it grabs you at night, keeps you
working until dawn,
in the morning keeps you
looking, looking
seeing with your whole body,
keeps you open like flowers,
bursting like seed pods,
keeps you speaking aloud
the truth you did not know
you knew

Monday, September 14, 2009

Even the dark won't stop you....

Even the Dark Won’t Stop You
September 14, 2009

how to climb a mountain
by the magical Maya Stein

Make no mistake. This will be an exercise in staying vertical.
Yes, there will be a view, later, a wide swath of open sky,
but in the meantime: tree and stone. If you’re lucky, a hawk will
coast overhead, scanning the forest floor. If you’re lucky,
a set of wildflowers will keep you cheerful. Mostly, though,
a steady sweat, your heart fluttering indelicately, a solid ache
perforating your calves. This is called work, what you will come to know,
eventually and simply, as movement, as all the evidence you need to make
your way. Forget where you were. That story is no longer true.
Level your gaze to the trail you’re on, and even the dark won’t stop you.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

New Path....New Life...New Adventures....

there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.

- tennessee williams

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Imagine Magazine is up and running......

My amazing friend Melanie C. Jordan created an wonderful magazine that showcases artists of all kinds...and she was kind enough to include me with an interview and a couple of my paintings... Please check out her online magazine (soon I hear to be in print as well!!!!!) And thank you ya.

You can also click on the highlighted words to get to the link! Let me know what you all think.....*smiles*

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Been forever.......

It has been forever since i have blogged, so many changes to deal wtih the past year...looking forward to moving on from limbo into a settled (as much as it can be) new life..two weeks ago i felt the urge to create...can't wait until i can do this more and more and get back to what i love. Take care all and hope everyone is well...missing my blogland friends very much!!!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I finished her....there is text in the background that may be difficult to see from the photo, but all of it means something...what it says underneath:

hold on to your heart girl
could i have eased your pain
save you
ti amo
no more
te voglio bene
love her

working on another piece as well...cant wait to see what this one evolves into.....


Feeling the creative juices flowing again...working on the angel that has been staring at me for months...She is going in a different direction than i had originally thought she would go, and i am thrilled so far. My emotions have been spilling onto the canvas and coming out like i want them to. That hasn't happened in such a long time. Inspiration is found in the most unexpected places lately...and sometimes I fail to see what is really really good for me, moving towards the toxic instead of the good...but both good and bad fuel creativity. I will take the inspiration wherever i can get it these days, picking up a paintbrush and touching canvas, and running my fingers through the paint, feeling it...making me come alive again.*sigh* i missed this....

Monday, March 30, 2009


Wanna be on a beach, in the sunshine, free from stress and pain. Wanna hold the hand of someone i love and feel that my heart is safe in those hands. Wanna be fearless every single day, jumping into life head on with not so reckless abandon but still...with abandon.I want to dance in the light of the moon on foreign ground, in a place that is a part of experience joy in corners i never thought it would be......i wanna...i wanna...i will

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The words to this song have such great meaning to me. These days, even more so. I have realized and gone through so much in the past 6 monhts and not all of my experiences have been positive ones. I know though that everything does happen for a reason, even the bad stuff. The stuff that knocks us to our knees in prayer, that is what makes us stronger than we thought we ever could be.
We go through things that leave us a bit broken, and sometimes we have support from all of our loved ones. Sometimes we dont. I have learned once and for all through a really devestating time in my life, who my friends are. And let me tell you, i have a lot less friends than i thought i did. BUT the ones that really love me and support me unconditionally are still here. Still listening, loving and praying for me and my well being. Two people in particular who have just stood by me and loved me no matter what was going on, what i did, how hard it is....Evelyn and Kathleen.
It's amazing how close you can be to people you share no blood with. In my case, my friends ARE my family.
Evelyn is someone i have known for 25 years, and with our ups and downs, highs and lows, she has always stood by my side. ALways ready to share her advice or opinions, even when i didnt want to hear it! But always with love, always. We have both come a long way since that day we met back in Mr. Fried's homeroom class, and i am so glad we came this way together. She became my sister a long long time ago and i am so grateful and blessed to know her. Her family is my family and i am connected to her in a way i will never be with anyone else. We share similar history, and that bonds us. She understands me, most of the time, lol. She has given me great gifts in Jordann and Brandon, who are part of my heart and soul. I have always looked up to her, she was always the strong one, and still is. I gain a little strength from her every time we speak. And even though we disagree about so much, i dont worry about her loyalty or love, that is what family is about.

People always say you will never find love in a bar. Well, i beg to differ! I met Kathleen almost 8 years ago in a bar. We were there for karaoke, a hobby we both share. I clicked with her right away, she was probably the most genuine person i had ever met in my life. Over the years we got closer, but the last two really solidified our friendship. She has been there for me in ways that i never dreamed a friend would be. She has taken care of me, and loved me in whatever way i needed at the time, like a child, like a friend, like a sister. I am in awe of her, she is all the things i want to be one day. She saved my life, more than once. She truly is my sister and i feel blessed to know her, and am a better, more whole person for knowing her. Her children have become a part of me as well, giving me great joy. She has faith in me, believes in me...and lets me know it all the do i deserve her?? Dont think i do, but Lord am i grateful she is here. The little xoxoxo's in my tattoo are for her.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I can't wait to get my new tattoo....going on Saturday at 1pm....woooohooooo....i had one idea in mind, and adding a little extra something to it for someone amazing.